How to prevent midnight snacking

We think we've found the perfect method to prevent midnight snacking. Decorate your kitchen with kitsch anthropomorphic vintage kitchen implements and their judging, soulless eyes will scare you out of the biscuit craving. Most of the time, anyway.

Uncle Ed, the slightly creepy old fucker, thinks you've already had a few biscuits too many, young lady.
US$5 from thebabykitties at Etsy.

The seller writes:

Mr. Corny is a 60s Miller Studios chalkware piece that once served as a notepad holder.

Now let him continue his journey in your kitchen as a wall-eyed midnight snack monitor.
US$ 10 from moonula at Etsy.

Angry shroom shaker duo is angry at your lapse of good judgment. What makes you think that Tim Tams at 2am are a great idea? And why can't the duo themselves have any? Such is life, etc etc.
US$18 from carmenandginger at Etsy.

Carmen the winking strawberry knows your vices. She's been there, knows that assignments suck major arse, knows that insomnia is a bitch, that sometimes all you want is to raid the fridge without a kitchen canister judging you. Carmen encourages your brave expedition to the kitchen, she wants you to go on and take that biscuit, girlfriend. Carl the onion agrees, this naughty pair will always be on your side in midnight pantry raids.
US$7 from foursquarevintage at Etsy.

Panicking pickles Stefano and Massimo aren't so encouraging, I'm afraid. What about the dress you just bought?! What if you spend the whole evening doing laps to the biscuit cupboard? What if you end PLUS SIZED, GOD FORBID?! You'd think this squealing pair is worried about your health and well-being but something tells us they're more worried about how you'd look in their designer kitchen.
US$20 from retrovertigo at Etsy.

The Other Twin Illness Pillow

Unleash your interior decorating genius and turn your house into something worthy of homeMADE. The seller writes:

anatomically correct wax heads, common in yesteryear as a form of documenting the ravaging illnesses that so often ran wild.
17th century portrait of an unfortunate wee thing, beset with measles, hand printed on cotton, then crafted into a 16x16 pillow featuring brocade and silk.
Chicken Pox Print also available in separate listing.

US$45 from CrowsCloth at Etsy.

Little Joseph, Holy Shit and Woofer Speakers

Three delicious contemporary design finds to tickle your morning. We're not sure if our current favourite is the paedophile's delight or the headless dog set.

Little Joseph US$99, Woofer Speaker System US$1,259 and Holy Sh*t US$39 from Generate.

Bed Pan Clock

The seller writes:

I bought two bedpans at an estate sale; one very old, and one brand new. This is the new one. The nice lady swore it had never been used. I washed it with bleach, anyway. Then I did some of my regular surgery, and now we have this fabulous clock.

Would look perfect in a country-style lounge room, we think.

US$27 from IMOTIME at Etsy.

Small Dirty Pussy (nsfw but not what you think)

This is what happens when we search Etsy for cushions. Innocent, grandma-friendly, make-our-messy-den-look-less-cavely cushions. Sigh.

US$90 from thenaughtybee at Etsy.

After the Rain Soap Dish in Fern Mist

What better way to have your soap served to you first thing in the morning than on a bed of glistening, glazed worms. Nom nom.

US$35 from dbabcock at Etsy.

Sniff Glue Worship Satan Cross Stitch

This new addition to our delicious little cross stitch category proves yet again that some life lessons are best conveyed in cross stitch.

US$30 from misofunky at Etsy.

Six Foot Tall Plastic Spork

It's a... six foot tall plastic spork. A legend, a star, a spork to beat all other sporks into humility. We bow before thee, oh mighty spork. Pose with us too.

US$500 from paulpapedesigns at Etsy.

( . )( . ) Pot Holders (nsfw)

Grab a handful of ASCII-style boob each time you burn something in the kitchen. ( . )( . ) for all.

US$15 from CrochetandCrafts at Etsy.

Modern White Baby Head Vase / Planter

Message the seller for a replication of this wonderful planter, since this baby has just sold.

From mudpuppy at Etsy.

Crazy Legs - Its Alive Vase

Looking for a wedding gift for that quirky couple who doesn't want a 4th toaster? How about a meticulously handmade vase on legs, which will march around the house at night and dance tango when they're not looking.

US$180 from joeconardcreations at Etsy.

Sexpot, sexpot, you're my sexpot (nsfw)

Hand-thrown stoneware, with bonus pun. Perfect for storing jewellery and trinkets.

US$65 from oldmillpottery at Etsy.

Sexy Anna - French Bowl (nsfw)

Our darling friend Mops found this designer gem. We adore her but we love her even more now, for thanks to her we are able to present you with this unique nip-abundant saucer. Yeah, yeah, it comes with a cup, but the saucer - it has a nip. Just in case you didn't get that - there's a realistic-looking nip. On the saucer.

AU$49 from DesignForUse.

Crocheted Boob Blankie and Matching Boob Slippers (nsfw)

"Do you know someone that would just love to sleep under a blanket of boobs? Then this is for them. The holidays are not that far away and this would make someone's Christmas or birthday extra special."

We think this seller has carved a solid niche in boobular homewares, and we applaud it.

Crocheted Boobie Blankie US$95 and Boobie Slippers US$18 from KinkyCrochet at Etsy.

Tentacle Plant - Green and Red

This one's for those of us who tend to kill plants, and by kill we mean look after without much success (and by that we mean kill).

US$13 from Oddball at Etsy.

Everyone hates dentists...

...but does anyone ever wonder what we, the victims, look like to dentists? We wonder sometimes, and we think it may look like these art jugs.

Pineapple Head Jug, Mutant Blue Eyed Fish Jug and Sharp Toothy Bulging Eye Severely Unhappy McCain After Defeat Jug, US$40 each from Faceman at Etsy.

Arse Coaster Set

These are coasters. They spell out 'arse'. Made of fuse beads and awesome.

US$10 from chaosandanarchy at Etsy.

Altered Bratz Doll Head Lamp

Teach them the basics of dark lipliner drawn outside the lips from an early age and they'll never forget it when they're actually old enough to look like their educational new lamp. Oh Bratz, how else would the growing generation get used to the idea of a trout pout being the norm?

US$40 from FrenchMemo at Etsy.

Boob Ceramic Pipe Medium/Dark Skin

I'm sure Sherlock Holmes would have preferred this multicultural boobular masterpiece over his usual boring pipe.

US$9 from PotterHeads at Etsy.

Small Frog Princess Themed Genie Bottle

Once upon a time, all available genies got roped into a housing scheme where they exchanged their comfy brass lamps for bottles like these. Then there were no more genies and noone knew why, but we have our suspicions.

US$30 from Bellasara at Etsy.